I’m a token ham
with a broken van
and I stand and smoke
next to where the NO SMOKING sign stands.
But I put on my pants
like every other damned man,
one leg in each pant
and a spot in the crotch for my hand.
And I’ll rep the band
til I can’t stand,
til I’m so slammed I can’t remember
that the damn name o the band is my own damn.
And, if, honey, I’m yo man,
I’ll hold hands with your honey hams
and make sweet lunch to you.

How do you do?
It’s Kiddoo.

I never lose myself in the crowd,
and you ask me how—
well, I got the Dude beside me with his head in the clouds.
No, not that he’s tuned out—
my dude is vertically endowed;
he’s got a hell of a view down.
He catches all of you clowns,
but he don’t talk one word o shit about it.
There’s a spot on his lip
where he’s always bit down
til he gets to his set
and he sits down
and he whips out
his sticks like a stripper whips her tits out
and he hands me the mic and something to shout about
and we get it up and let it out
and fuck around right on you…
I’m just introducing Kiddoo and the Dude.

How do you do?
It’s the Dude.

(And now a verse for the ladies)
Now, baby,
lemme tell you ahead o time,
I ain’t a saint but I make a great Valentine.
In the candlelight, I’ll feed you box o wine,
but when it comes down to screwin,
it ain’t gone be just you and I.
It’ll be the Dude and I on either side
and you know we go down smoother than we scuba dive. I’ve
just gotta make you scream
and make you make me scream.
Then, the Dude teams up with a cup o Beam.
Between that and two scoops o ice cream like its Vaseline—
well, you’ll just have to scream,
perhaps the loudest scream
this whole damn town has seen.
You’ll be callin me Your Majesty
and the Dude a prophet, he’s
got these moves that you just gotta see.
And that he did foresee,
and I think you will agree,
when I say we executed oh-so pimpishly…

How do you do?
It’s Kiddoo and the Dude.


from How Do You Do? (It's Kiddoo and the Dude​!​), released April 20, 2013



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Kiddoo and the Dude Austin, Texas

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